being boring and being bored of blogging.

I'm bored of blogging. Part of the reason is because my life is pretty boring and if I'm not that interested no one else is going to be! I did think my dads dementia would make for easy blogging but yes it is as weird as fuck but most of it is too sad to wanna write about. I'm also really focussing on my writing at the moment so I don't really have any words to spare! I'm still tweeting though ... @niftynymphy if you wanna hear minute detail of a carers life. And other random stuff. Any way I didn't want the blog to tail off into nothing; I may well be back if no one wants my writings.

Spinsterina

With my last birthday I think I am now considered to be a spinster. I am ok with that, though I'm a bit young I think. Having consulted google and wikipedia. as you do during a crisis, I have established that a spinster is a woman who has not formed a human pair bond by the time she is approaching or has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan. I'm not at menopause age yet but it is not that far away and I can't argue that I haven't formed  a 'human pair bond' which I assume is another way to say that I haven't found myself a man. I also don't have kids.

So as far as I can see there are three areas that define you as a spinster are age, hubby and babies. Lets think about that:

AGE

Spinsterhood starts when you hit menopause it seems, I've got a while til that hits bur I've had more of my fertile  life than I've got left. I have tried to end it with the help of doctors but basically got told that I couldn't possibly know my own mind and that I was bound to be required to breed by my future husband. I was unimpressed by that. Choices about my body are my as yet non existant future husbands it seems. I should just be a good girl and keep my legs close until then I suppose!

HUBBY

I don't have one. It's not really one of my priorities. I'm not saying I wouldn't if I was in one of these 'human pair bonds' and it was important to him but I'm not out looking for one. Having organised a lot of weddings it's hard to see them as more than an expensive day that the girl gets to distract her from the reality of marriage which by far benefits him! As a rule I am happier single (apart from the sex bit but I won't sully this post with carnal matters).

No man is needed to complete me, I am complete - completely bloody awesome.

BABIES

I don't think I've ever wanted one. I don't seem to have that bit of me that goes all gooey with baby desire when I hold one. Kids are on the whole tiresome and babies are OK for a cuddle but do tend to ruin your outfit with vomit and pee and sticky hands etc. My instincts are more creative than maternal*. As for leaving a legacy I'm hoping that my words will do that. People forget shit and get the story wrong. There's enough kids in the world for it not to matter if I don't add to them.

So I think for me being a spinster has been a positive life choice. Im a bit young for it, a spinsterina if you will but I am reclaiming it as my badge of honour, a mark of my decisions, my desire to be independent and childless and creative.

*I nicked this, I can't remember where from to give credit though!

Shabby Chic

A wee ranty blog coz seriously... Shabby Chic? What is that and why would you aspire to it? It sounds like Coco Chanel if she hadn't been successful and ended up as a bag lady. I don't think even she could have made that a good look. If anything has shabby chic in the description I don't want it (I'm particularly looking at you here eBay and while we're on the subject stop calling things that were made last week vintage, they are not vintage.). I will stick with aiming for chic at the moment. Who wants to be shabby?

Particularly Shabby Chic furniture annoys me coz it is seemingly born of destruction. I am totally in agreement with re-utilising past objects so they are wearable / usable / relevant to our lives now, Sheena Holland comes to mind; she give beautiful old things a new lease of life and her shop is a treasure trove http://www.sheenaholland.com/. But shabby chic furniture seems to involve taking a beautiful vintage piece of furniture, covering it with cheap white paint and then purposely damaging it with wire wool or the like. Why would you? So you can have a piece of tatty looking furniture with none of the beauty of the original item? There is a shop near me which apparently specialises in french and shabby chic furniture. I think soe kind of terrorist activity might be in order.

I feel better for that rant. For about five minutes until I find something about a week old described as vintage on eBay. 

no more civil war

By civil war I mean fighting my body. There are things I'm actually ok with but still feel the need to stress about and things that aren't gonna change that would be easier if I didn't fight them. My eating has stopped being a battle ground, I eat mainly paleo and my body seems happy with it. Admittedly with a bit* more chocolate and a bit* more gin than cavemen ate but it feels right and my body agrees.

But there are areas I'm fighting and it's not helping, my body is what it is, a bit more broken and a bit plumper than I'd like but it gets me around, looks good in a dress and lets me have fun. I feel I am wasting precious mental, physical, emotional and most importantly creative energy fighting with it. And how can I win? I can't defeat myself! It actually reminds me of my brother having fights with himself and throwing himself round the room - he was a strange child.

Too Darn Hot
I am too hot. Nearly all the time. Having learnt that this is a not uncommon symptom of MS I have stopped worrying about it. I need to stop dressing for the British weather and being so worried about getting cold though! The amount of times I get all bundled up and then feel terrible and faint and wobbly in shops and things is huge.

Baked Bean Bladder
I think my bladder is approximately the size of a baked bean. i spend a lot of time on the loo. That's where I come up with some of my best ideas, I ought to take my chromebook in with me really. This is not helped by MS damaging my bladders communication with my brain. When it comes to need to pee I do from 0 (I'm fine) to 60 (get out of my way!) in about 3.6 seconds. I convince myself I am fine and I don't need to go everytime I see a toilet and then am inevitably desperate a couple of minutes later. My mantra should be see a loo - pee in it. Oh and not helped by my trigger trio includes being dehydrated as well as being hot and tired.

The Family Hips
They seem to be a regressive gene thing though - not everyone gets them, like ginger hair or something. My cousin and me most definitely do, which is probably why DD's don't look big on us. When I was a size eight I had huge "child bearing#" hips, it's not a fat thing, its a bone thing. Sadly there isn't a bone shrinking diet and you know what they're mine and I'm OK with them. As @lilypotkin would say the number of fucks I give about what you think about my hips is zero.

Being Messy
I don't know if this really belongs in a post about my body but messiness feels pretty engrained. My dad's very messy, it's probably genetic. I am a slut my mum tells me, in the slattern/slovenly sense of the word. You know it's bad when your boyfriends come round and complain. Or a friend hoovers when she comes round.

Yawn
Yeah, I get tired a fucking lot. Mainly MS related but I don't think caring 24/7 helps. Occasionally it may be gin related ;-). I need to give into it more - fighting it only ends up with me falling over. In short I need to not feel bad about naps and early nights!

Blurry World
I've worn glasses since I was about twelve I think, and I'm cool with them - I'm not one of those women that doesn't feel attractive in glasses. Boys that don't make passes at girls who wear glasses? Zero fucks given, we were probably not suited anyhows. Plus my glasses are Missoni, we're not talking NHS shit here. But thanks to MS I have focussing issues and shadows when I get hot or tired. Yeah thanks, that helps! 

Falling Over
This has had it's own post so I'm not sure what more I can say! basically my arse and the floor have had a lengthy love hate relationship! It kicks back to the hot and tired thing again - I have (eventually) given up heels and tell myself I am rocking an Audrey Hepburn look. I don't spend any less money on shoes by the way!

Muffin Top
Not sure muffin top really describes the mass of blancmange that is my tummy but after years and years of stress I'm good with it. It's only been flat (actually concave for a bit but too much clubbing does that to a girl) when I've been so skinny that no other bit of me looked right. We all have a place where our fat goes and that's mine. If you don't like me having a podgy tummy then .. you can guess.

Pubic Hair
This will come as a shock to some men, especially younger ones but women have pubic hair. You know, hair covering their nether regions. I have waxed and creamed and epilated and shaved and sugared and do you know what? I've had enough. What exactly is wrong with pubic hair anyway? I keep trim and tidy but that's it from now on. Currently I am the only person who sees it anyway but even if by some miracle it looks like someone else will I'm not gonna change things. Love me, love my bush.

To summarise I am curvy and broken but I wouldn't want to be skinny again, I didn't feel sexy and coz I am tall I just looked like a stick. I'm not going to be one of those people that say that their illness has made them a better person and they wouldn't get rid of it coz I don't think it has and I would in a heartbeat. I don't doubt that I know myself and my body better because of it but I'd happily swap ignorance for health! 


*lot
#because apparently a womans hips aren't used for anything else. Personally I find them quite useful for walking and stuff.

Dating Sites

I have issues with dating sites. More specifically dating site advertising. I will admit from the start that I have used dating sites, and have had substantial (by my standards which aren't great) relationships from them. But I still profess that data doesn't predict love. I don't see why choosing someone that has the same interests, personality, temperament as yourself makes it more likely that you will fall in love. Are people really that narcissistic that they are just looking for another version of themselves? It is chance that two people meet and what causes spearks to fly is indefinable. Personally I like someone with a different view on things, who challenges me and shows me things. I don't disagree that it is an easy way to meet people and you have as much chance of meeting someone online as you do in the supermarket or the pub frankly but I dont believe any of them have a questionnaire or algorhythm which can match you with someone you will fall in love with.

But really parting hopeful romantics with their money is not really a terrible thing. Even the odd bit of mine. What really annoys me is their advertising. Patronising, incorrect, frankly not fit for purpose, illogical .... take your pick. Lets look at them individually (without naming names coz I'm not stupid):

1. Advertising something by showing people achieving the aim without it is stupid.
2. Advertising something by suggesting it all starts the step after the something is stupid.
3. Suggesting that you will have better dates because you both like and think the same things seems odd. I imagine the date would go something like this;
• so you like x then?
• yes. so you like y too?
• yes.nice isn't it?
• yes. 
• mmmm.
• *long pause*
• so, it's been raining a lot lately.
4. Telling us we'll find out who we really are by using your site suggests you think we are all quite stupid and not very self aware.
5. Do we really all still just want to get married?
6. Adverts comparing your sites to other sites is silly. You all do the same thing, just with a few differences in your questionnaire,

I think I've made bad matches (we won't explore the issues here coz this blog post would take up all of the internet) and I think their programmes have made bad choices (certifiabally mental and still living with his wife come to mind. Damn he was cute though)  If you think a computer programme will make better choices than you then you really need to have a word with yourself and have a think why you make the choices you make. 

Eating paleo with a touch of wahls

The whole eating healthy thing started when I discovered the Best Bet Diet* at the beginning of my MS journey. I decided to give it a go, figuring it probably wouldn't work anyway and I would be back on the Ben & Jerrys in no time. To my surprise though it had an amazing effect ~ loads of symptoms disappeared and I lost a good few pounds. I really came to believe 'you are what you eat'. I still miss Ben & Jerrys fish food though I do make pretty good coconut milk icecream.

A few years later and I put those few pounds back on as it's far too easy to bake cakes without gluten and I still have a sugar addiction. I have also had a slightly controversial treatment in Scotland to help my MS which turned the clock back physically and made me more determined than ever to slow any progression, lose a bit of weight and generally feel better. 

So, I thought I would take my diet to the next logical level and give paleo a try, If you're not familiar this pyramid should give you a clue:

It seems a little against general healthy eating advice but with the reading I have done around diet and MS, and dementia and diabetes for my dad as well as what I know makes me feel better it made total sense. If you think about what is recommended and the whole 'low fat' industry you soon realise that mostly the whole food and diet industry is about making money.I have always cooked stuff from scratch, eschewing the processed stuff that is generally full of mystifying ingredients, and am definitely a carnivore. I have reintroduced a teeny bit of hard cheese back into my diet - my system seems to deal with it and I have always listened to my body first and foremost.

Giving up sugar has been revolutionary - I have always had a sweet tooth and my BFF used to say that sugar was my crack do I didn't honestly think I'd do it but I did and it has been great. I feel great.No sugars and very low carbs keep the munchies away and keep your blood sugar stable it seems. I sweeten my baking with coconut nectar (and use coconut flour and coconut oil which I think is miraculous stuff) and choose dark high % chocolate.

The first week paleo was difficult but after that is was easier, my hunger and cravings didn't rule me and I started to lose weight and my body fat seemed to redistribute. Now I cant imagine why I ever felt I needed bread or potatoes at meals. I eat less but a lot more  nutritious and I feel good about what I eat.

The Wahls I am admittedly only dabbling in. It has very strict rules that I would need to be sicker to have to motivation to follow. I have picked a few of the points and am trying to eat more;

• green leafy things
• mushooms
• onions
• berries 
• lots of colour

I already erred on the side of eating seasonally and local. I have lessened the supplements I am taking - they are so expensive and tedious! I still take friendly bacteria, fish oil. vitamin D and a calcium based one as well as extra magnesium when I have any crampy type pains coz I find it helps.

On the negative side I drink too much and eat way too much (albeit dark) chocolate but I never said I was a paragon of virtue.I indulge in the occasional bit of rice too coz I do love sushi.

*based on the paleo diet, it's a diet and supplement plan designed to help those with MS

Not getting your meat from the supermarket

I feel that if I had completed this post when I had thought of it it would have have an air of prediction and I could have been adding a 'told you so foot note' now. My butcher is loving the horsemeat scandal - new customers and a lot of material for his jokes. When I was in Derby I bought my meat from the market and when I moved back "home" to look after my dad I was very pleased to find there was a great butchers a few minutes walk away. I've never been a big fan of supermarket meat: bland fatless flesh from half a world away.

So I make a trip to the butchers a couple of times a week and its great.Big bits of what are still recognizably animal that are expertly butchered for you as you wish, Nothing is too much trouble and he happily indulges my foibles while telling me jokes. They have moved with the times and make things like moroccan meatballs (really good) and their own sausages as well as selling set price 'weekend' and 'midweek' packs that let you budget.

He knows where all the meat comes from, local farmers on the whole and all free range. They sell a lot more than meat too, slowly stealing more and more of my budget away from the supermarkets (though he doesn't sell gin and chocolate so they will always get some) and supporting more local small businesses: cheese, bread, pies, curry sauces, pickles and chutneys... Oh and frozen fish.

I like knowing a chunk of my albeit small budget goes to local family businesses, I like knowing what I am eating and I like good tasty food. I also like that food sold to me with a cheeky joke and some cooking advice!

Human Contact

"lonelee I am so lonelee, and i do not knoooow the words to this soooooong"

I probably could have googled that but 'well researched' is not really something you'd say about my blog. I suspect you also wouldn't say 'clever' 'witty' or 'widely read'.

As you already know I am caring for my dad who has dementia so I don't get out much. To look after him I moved back to my childhood town, where I had just one friend left. It is one of the poorest cities in England, most people move away as soon as they have the opportunity (as I did!). The one friend has two kids, one of them since I've been back, which makes her as inflexible as I am. 

I have never had any trouble making new friends; I'll chat to anyone and have a freakish amount of self confidence. However it turns out it's quite difficult to make friends when you don't meet any people. With no work or classes its hard to get chatting, I can't really grab people in the street and say "will you be my friend?". Many friends said they'd come visit me, most haven't .... they have lives and boyfriends and jobs and things. I (vaguely) remember what that's like. My BFF has, of course - she is the bestest BFF ever and has organised a fabulous treat for my birthday. One other friend has visited but he was a friend / bf crossover.. 

To illustrate, the people I have spoken to ..

Today:        My parents

Yesterday:   My dad and the butcher (who always has a joke at least. "in the     

                 wake of the horsemeat scandal B&Q have had to withdraw their 

                 flooring coz it had laminate (lamb-in-it)

Day Before: My dad, the lady in the post office and the lady in the veg shop.

And Before: My dad, a nurse and the taxi driver.

You get the idea.

Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly if you know the disastrous tale that is my love life) I am not bothered about not having a boyfriend. I'd rather have a puppy for cuddles and I can sort myself out for, you know. Its my birthday next week if anyone wants to buy me a puppy. I miss friends, drinking buddies, weekend lunches, trips to nandos and the cinema on a Wed, wine on the sofa with my bestie. 

However I really don't know how I'd be surviving on the laughable benefits you get for caring if I actually had a social life, the only reason I get to occasionally buy something on eBay (which doesn't get worn anyway coz I never go anywhere) is because I rarely leave the house!

To summarise: buy me a puppy or take me for a drink!

Chizza

So pizza is a nice thing but it's not paleo.  I've seen loads of recipes for meatza but they are big slabs of meatloaf with a few toppings - nothing like the pizza I used to have. Having discovered that my system doesn't go mental when I have a small amount of hard cheese I was very keen to have some thing to sprinkle it on. I came up with the idea of using a flattened chicken breast* as the base. The butcher butterflied and smacked the hell out of the chicken breast for me and I laid out in the baking tray then spread it with harissa - I would have used tomato paste but I didn't have any!  I topped it with sliced mushrooms and halved baby plum tomatoes and a grating of Cheddar. It looked more like a rustic thin crust pizza or flatbread pizza than meatloaf so I was happy. I cooked it for 20 mins at 200c, it's cut in half coz I wanted to check the chicken was done. Very tasty and the chicken doesn't overwhelm the toppings

*I'm sure someone else has but I thought of it on my own.

Timber! (on falling over)

I fall over A LOT. So much I don't even tweet most of them and I tweet everything. I wait for noteworthy ones; impressive injuries. a funny story or some major destruction. I have always been clumsy; as a child my legs were a traffic light of bruises and mum was constantly concerned that social services would investigate! However I think it has got worse thanks to the MS gremlins - my balance is shot and I've had to give up heels, I'm just too wobbly!  I don't swoon like a lady I obviously am, I fall like a great tree felling everything in my path. Usually on to my knees which are bruised 90 percent of the time I reckon. It's a pity is not onto my arse coz I have padding there and quite a lot too.

Notable falls in recent times include (It's OK if you laugh, they're funny);

• Falling over whilst walking in front of the stand at rugby and being caught by a fan with excellent reflexes.
• Falling off my then boyfriend while we switch positions and cracking my cheekbone on the corner of the bedside table resulting in four hours waiting at A&E the next day and a cracking black eye that I had to make up explanations for.
• Falling over and grazing my foot outside a job centre and giving myself an infection that was nearly blood poisoning apparently meaning I was on antibiotics for my BFF's hen and couldn't laze in the jacuzzi at the spa.
• Falling onto my knees and somehow tangling my heel in my cardigan effectively meaning I have hog tied my self and having a guy pull over in his car and pick me up. And then having to walk to the station with bleeding knees. And then getting followed round the station by some management person who obviously saw me as a threat to her perfect health and safety record.
• Falling over in my bedroom and landing on a half open drawer and breaking it and its fixings. 

I am a disaster area. There should be a safety cordon around me. Or a circle of handsome men poised to catch me. Definitely not glass. Or stairs, I don't like stairs; I think the reasons are fairly obvious.

Why I don't get anything done

I have a lot of blog ideas and half started posts. I have a lot of ideas and half started projects full stop. I have ideas way more often than i complete something. At the moment I am getting fuck all done. There are many reasons for this:

1. Caring for someone with dementia  takes up a lot of time. And a lot of patience but that is a different post.
2. I sleep a lot. Sometimes in the middle of doing something. Which is a little inconvenient.
3. I spend a lot of time on my arse:
• because I am inherently lazy
• because i fall over A LOT (more on that in another post soon)
4. My thought process is all tangents and shattered shards of ideas. This is not conducive to completing projects.
5. I have next to no motivation. If you could buy it in bottles my life would be changed.
6. I start a new project before finishing the previous one. Or previous five. Once I've got a few on the go the likelihood of me focusing on and completing anyof them are next to none.

I am certainly not a completer-finisher. I suspect I will continue to bumble through life leaving sparkling sequin ideas scattered behind me, to be collected and completed by industrious pixies. A time table might be good. Except that will be something else I start and don't finish. And then I'll just feel bad coz I haven't done it. 

On being a writer

Or trying to be. Am I only a writer when I'm published?

I think I always wanted to be but it wasn't such a conscious decision, there are words & they want to be written; its not really my decision to put them on the page. They have a meaning & will of their own and I just make them into patterns on the page. They are like pieces of coloured glass, I do not make them simply lay them out as a mosaic. Like Romans though I'm guessing other people did it. Do it. Whatever you get the metaphor (hopefully).

Am I any good? I don't know. Once at least some of my book is finished I may blog excerpts so you can see. I don't really write with anyone reading it in mind, it just needs to come out sometimes. I don't really have a creative process it's just stuff I think about that likes other stuff I think about. The degree course I dropped out for discussed the creative process, We had a whole semester looking at Image and Imagination. Lots of looking at slides. I think we had an assignment where we had to sit in the dark and write about how it made us feel, There are obviously some practical problems with that. We also spent a whole class drawing each others shoes. This may have been the point when I decided to drop out. I went and worked in a hotel and got far drunker and had far more sex - which lets face is the main point of uni. But that's a whole other blog post. 

But anyway, back to the writing. The novel I'm writing is about a female serial killer, it all started with a fantasy I used to have about drowning my ex in the bath. I may have unexplored issues. I'm not telling you who, but things were actually ok at the time which makes it weirder I guess. I think me writing may be a good thing whether I'm any good or not - it's a safer way for the crazy to come out.

2013 - the start of another chapter

So as everyone who follows me on twitter knows I had a really shitty 2012 and was the lowest I've ever been. I was and am very determined I would and will make 2013 a better year, through sheer force of will if necessary. Some things aren't gonna change in the near future; I'm still going to be a 24/7 carer, still going to unemployed and living off benefits and still going to be isolated. However I can make little changes. My resolutions this year are to take better care of myself and give myself a little treat everyday. I suspect most of these treats will be either chocolate or alcohol based. I also want to finish my book but I want that to be a pleasure or not a chore with a deadline so I am leaving that open. 

bruised knees

Anyway so far 2013 has been much better than 2012 (I even managed to fall over and bash my knees nye ) - I spent new years eve with my bff, her hubby and their kiddies and started 2013 with just a mild hangover ... at 6.30am with kiddy no1's first 2013 viewing of fireman sam. He really loves fireman sam, to an almost unhealthy extreme. I am predicting he will either become;

• a fireman
• an arsonist
• a gay man who has a thing about uniforms

The jury is out on which.

The hubby cooked dinner (he is an ace cook) and we had a mexican feast, ate chocolate and drank wine & cava. It was how nye should be in my mind; in your pj's, on the sofa with good food drink and company. Coz my friend is the best bff in the world (and her husband knows which side his bread is buttered) they drove me home on new years day and we all went for lunch before I returned to my role as carer. Her kids are really lovely and the only ones I enjoy rather than endure. 

the chromebook - I'm very much in love 

So I got home and my new chromebook had arrived (bought with christmas money and on which I am writing this new post and a hat I got in the sale.I did the pills and cooking thing and went to bed ... very pleased to note that my mums gf had very kindly made up my bed ready for me. 

The second - today - was all about a shopping trip with my cousin (cwtt if you know me on twitter). We have a pattern to these if we are staying local, so much so it is pretty sad. A successful trip and a great gossipy lunch. A good day. 

cwtt

a bucket of prawns (lunch)

So far I am chalking 2013 up as a win, though admittedly it's a little early to tell.  I am starting it with loads of chocolate and lots of booze so I will be following my ethos!