being boring and being bored of blogging.

I'm bored of blogging. Part of the reason is because my life is pretty boring and if I'm not that interested no one else is going to be! I did think my dads dementia would make for easy blogging but yes it is as weird as fuck but most of it is too sad to wanna write about. I'm also really focussing on my writing at the moment so I don't really have any words to spare! I'm still tweeting though ... @niftynymphy if you wanna hear minute detail of a carers life. And other random stuff. Any way I didn't want the blog to tail off into nothing; I may well be back if no one wants my writings.

Spinsterina

With my last birthday I think I am now considered to be a spinster. I am ok with that, though I'm a bit young I think. Having consulted google and wikipedia. as you do during a crisis, I have established that a spinster is a woman who has not formed a human pair bond by the time she is approaching or has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan. I'm not at menopause age yet but it is not that far away and I can't argue that I haven't formed  a 'human pair bond' which I assume is another way to say that I haven't found myself a man. I also don't have kids.

So as far as I can see there are three areas that define you as a spinster are age, hubby and babies. Lets think about that:

AGE

Spinsterhood starts when you hit menopause it seems, I've got a while til that hits bur I've had more of my fertile  life than I've got left. I have tried to end it with the help of doctors but basically got told that I couldn't possibly know my own mind and that I was bound to be required to breed by my future husband. I was unimpressed by that. Choices about my body are my as yet non existant future husbands it seems. I should just be a good girl and keep my legs close until then I suppose!

HUBBY

I don't have one. It's not really one of my priorities. I'm not saying I wouldn't if I was in one of these 'human pair bonds' and it was important to him but I'm not out looking for one. Having organised a lot of weddings it's hard to see them as more than an expensive day that the girl gets to distract her from the reality of marriage which by far benefits him! As a rule I am happier single (apart from the sex bit but I won't sully this post with carnal matters).

No man is needed to complete me, I am complete - completely bloody awesome.

BABIES

I don't think I've ever wanted one. I don't seem to have that bit of me that goes all gooey with baby desire when I hold one. Kids are on the whole tiresome and babies are OK for a cuddle but do tend to ruin your outfit with vomit and pee and sticky hands etc. My instincts are more creative than maternal*. As for leaving a legacy I'm hoping that my words will do that. People forget shit and get the story wrong. There's enough kids in the world for it not to matter if I don't add to them.

So I think for me being a spinster has been a positive life choice. Im a bit young for it, a spinsterina if you will but I am reclaiming it as my badge of honour, a mark of my decisions, my desire to be independent and childless and creative.

*I nicked this, I can't remember where from to give credit though!

Shabby Chic

A wee ranty blog coz seriously... Shabby Chic? What is that and why would you aspire to it? It sounds like Coco Chanel if she hadn't been successful and ended up as a bag lady. I don't think even she could have made that a good look. If anything has shabby chic in the description I don't want it (I'm particularly looking at you here eBay and while we're on the subject stop calling things that were made last week vintage, they are not vintage.). I will stick with aiming for chic at the moment. Who wants to be shabby?

Particularly Shabby Chic furniture annoys me coz it is seemingly born of destruction. I am totally in agreement with re-utilising past objects so they are wearable / usable / relevant to our lives now, Sheena Holland comes to mind; she give beautiful old things a new lease of life and her shop is a treasure trove http://www.sheenaholland.com/. But shabby chic furniture seems to involve taking a beautiful vintage piece of furniture, covering it with cheap white paint and then purposely damaging it with wire wool or the like. Why would you? So you can have a piece of tatty looking furniture with none of the beauty of the original item? There is a shop near me which apparently specialises in french and shabby chic furniture. I think soe kind of terrorist activity might be in order.

I feel better for that rant. For about five minutes until I find something about a week old described as vintage on eBay. 

no more civil war

By civil war I mean fighting my body. There are things I'm actually ok with but still feel the need to stress about and things that aren't gonna change that would be easier if I didn't fight them. My eating has stopped being a battle ground, I eat mainly paleo and my body seems happy with it. Admittedly with a bit* more chocolate and a bit* more gin than cavemen ate but it feels right and my body agrees.

But there are areas I'm fighting and it's not helping, my body is what it is, a bit more broken and a bit plumper than I'd like but it gets me around, looks good in a dress and lets me have fun. I feel I am wasting precious mental, physical, emotional and most importantly creative energy fighting with it. And how can I win? I can't defeat myself! It actually reminds me of my brother having fights with himself and throwing himself round the room - he was a strange child.

Too Darn Hot
I am too hot. Nearly all the time. Having learnt that this is a not uncommon symptom of MS I have stopped worrying about it. I need to stop dressing for the British weather and being so worried about getting cold though! The amount of times I get all bundled up and then feel terrible and faint and wobbly in shops and things is huge.

Baked Bean Bladder
I think my bladder is approximately the size of a baked bean. i spend a lot of time on the loo. That's where I come up with some of my best ideas, I ought to take my chromebook in with me really. This is not helped by MS damaging my bladders communication with my brain. When it comes to need to pee I do from 0 (I'm fine) to 60 (get out of my way!) in about 3.6 seconds. I convince myself I am fine and I don't need to go everytime I see a toilet and then am inevitably desperate a couple of minutes later. My mantra should be see a loo - pee in it. Oh and not helped by my trigger trio includes being dehydrated as well as being hot and tired.

The Family Hips
They seem to be a regressive gene thing though - not everyone gets them, like ginger hair or something. My cousin and me most definitely do, which is probably why DD's don't look big on us. When I was a size eight I had huge "child bearing#" hips, it's not a fat thing, its a bone thing. Sadly there isn't a bone shrinking diet and you know what they're mine and I'm OK with them. As @lilypotkin would say the number of fucks I give about what you think about my hips is zero.

Being Messy
I don't know if this really belongs in a post about my body but messiness feels pretty engrained. My dad's very messy, it's probably genetic. I am a slut my mum tells me, in the slattern/slovenly sense of the word. You know it's bad when your boyfriends come round and complain. Or a friend hoovers when she comes round.

Yawn
Yeah, I get tired a fucking lot. Mainly MS related but I don't think caring 24/7 helps. Occasionally it may be gin related ;-). I need to give into it more - fighting it only ends up with me falling over. In short I need to not feel bad about naps and early nights!

Blurry World
I've worn glasses since I was about twelve I think, and I'm cool with them - I'm not one of those women that doesn't feel attractive in glasses. Boys that don't make passes at girls who wear glasses? Zero fucks given, we were probably not suited anyhows. Plus my glasses are Missoni, we're not talking NHS shit here. But thanks to MS I have focussing issues and shadows when I get hot or tired. Yeah thanks, that helps! 

Falling Over
This has had it's own post so I'm not sure what more I can say! basically my arse and the floor have had a lengthy love hate relationship! It kicks back to the hot and tired thing again - I have (eventually) given up heels and tell myself I am rocking an Audrey Hepburn look. I don't spend any less money on shoes by the way!

Muffin Top
Not sure muffin top really describes the mass of blancmange that is my tummy but after years and years of stress I'm good with it. It's only been flat (actually concave for a bit but too much clubbing does that to a girl) when I've been so skinny that no other bit of me looked right. We all have a place where our fat goes and that's mine. If you don't like me having a podgy tummy then .. you can guess.

Pubic Hair
This will come as a shock to some men, especially younger ones but women have pubic hair. You know, hair covering their nether regions. I have waxed and creamed and epilated and shaved and sugared and do you know what? I've had enough. What exactly is wrong with pubic hair anyway? I keep trim and tidy but that's it from now on. Currently I am the only person who sees it anyway but even if by some miracle it looks like someone else will I'm not gonna change things. Love me, love my bush.

To summarise I am curvy and broken but I wouldn't want to be skinny again, I didn't feel sexy and coz I am tall I just looked like a stick. I'm not going to be one of those people that say that their illness has made them a better person and they wouldn't get rid of it coz I don't think it has and I would in a heartbeat. I don't doubt that I know myself and my body better because of it but I'd happily swap ignorance for health! 


*lot
#because apparently a womans hips aren't used for anything else. Personally I find them quite useful for walking and stuff.

Dating Sites

I have issues with dating sites. More specifically dating site advertising. I will admit from the start that I have used dating sites, and have had substantial (by my standards which aren't great) relationships from them. But I still profess that data doesn't predict love. I don't see why choosing someone that has the same interests, personality, temperament as yourself makes it more likely that you will fall in love. Are people really that narcissistic that they are just looking for another version of themselves? It is chance that two people meet and what causes spearks to fly is indefinable. Personally I like someone with a different view on things, who challenges me and shows me things. I don't disagree that it is an easy way to meet people and you have as much chance of meeting someone online as you do in the supermarket or the pub frankly but I dont believe any of them have a questionnaire or algorhythm which can match you with someone you will fall in love with.

But really parting hopeful romantics with their money is not really a terrible thing. Even the odd bit of mine. What really annoys me is their advertising. Patronising, incorrect, frankly not fit for purpose, illogical .... take your pick. Lets look at them individually (without naming names coz I'm not stupid):

1. Advertising something by showing people achieving the aim without it is stupid.
2. Advertising something by suggesting it all starts the step after the something is stupid.
3. Suggesting that you will have better dates because you both like and think the same things seems odd. I imagine the date would go something like this;
• so you like x then?
• yes. so you like y too?
• yes.nice isn't it?
• yes. 
• mmmm.
• *long pause*
• so, it's been raining a lot lately.
4. Telling us we'll find out who we really are by using your site suggests you think we are all quite stupid and not very self aware.
5. Do we really all still just want to get married?
6. Adverts comparing your sites to other sites is silly. You all do the same thing, just with a few differences in your questionnaire,

I think I've made bad matches (we won't explore the issues here coz this blog post would take up all of the internet) and I think their programmes have made bad choices (certifiabally mental and still living with his wife come to mind. Damn he was cute though)  If you think a computer programme will make better choices than you then you really need to have a word with yourself and have a think why you make the choices you make. 

Eating paleo with a touch of wahls

The whole eating healthy thing started when I discovered the Best Bet Diet* at the beginning of my MS journey. I decided to give it a go, figuring it probably wouldn't work anyway and I would be back on the Ben & Jerrys in no time. To my surprise though it had an amazing effect ~ loads of symptoms disappeared and I lost a good few pounds. I really came to believe 'you are what you eat'. I still miss Ben & Jerrys fish food though I do make pretty good coconut milk icecream.

A few years later and I put those few pounds back on as it's far too easy to bake cakes without gluten and I still have a sugar addiction. I have also had a slightly controversial treatment in Scotland to help my MS which turned the clock back physically and made me more determined than ever to slow any progression, lose a bit of weight and generally feel better. 

So, I thought I would take my diet to the next logical level and give paleo a try, If you're not familiar this pyramid should give you a clue:

It seems a little against general healthy eating advice but with the reading I have done around diet and MS, and dementia and diabetes for my dad as well as what I know makes me feel better it made total sense. If you think about what is recommended and the whole 'low fat' industry you soon realise that mostly the whole food and diet industry is about making money.I have always cooked stuff from scratch, eschewing the processed stuff that is generally full of mystifying ingredients, and am definitely a carnivore. I have reintroduced a teeny bit of hard cheese back into my diet - my system seems to deal with it and I have always listened to my body first and foremost.

Giving up sugar has been revolutionary - I have always had a sweet tooth and my BFF used to say that sugar was my crack do I didn't honestly think I'd do it but I did and it has been great. I feel great.No sugars and very low carbs keep the munchies away and keep your blood sugar stable it seems. I sweeten my baking with coconut nectar (and use coconut flour and coconut oil which I think is miraculous stuff) and choose dark high % chocolate.

The first week paleo was difficult but after that is was easier, my hunger and cravings didn't rule me and I started to lose weight and my body fat seemed to redistribute. Now I cant imagine why I ever felt I needed bread or potatoes at meals. I eat less but a lot more  nutritious and I feel good about what I eat.

The Wahls I am admittedly only dabbling in. It has very strict rules that I would need to be sicker to have to motivation to follow. I have picked a few of the points and am trying to eat more;

• green leafy things
• mushooms
• onions
• berries 
• lots of colour

I already erred on the side of eating seasonally and local. I have lessened the supplements I am taking - they are so expensive and tedious! I still take friendly bacteria, fish oil. vitamin D and a calcium based one as well as extra magnesium when I have any crampy type pains coz I find it helps.

On the negative side I drink too much and eat way too much (albeit dark) chocolate but I never said I was a paragon of virtue.I indulge in the occasional bit of rice too coz I do love sushi.

*based on the paleo diet, it's a diet and supplement plan designed to help those with MS

Not getting your meat from the supermarket

I feel that if I had completed this post when I had thought of it it would have have an air of prediction and I could have been adding a 'told you so foot note' now. My butcher is loving the horsemeat scandal - new customers and a lot of material for his jokes. When I was in Derby I bought my meat from the market and when I moved back "home" to look after my dad I was very pleased to find there was a great butchers a few minutes walk away. I've never been a big fan of supermarket meat: bland fatless flesh from half a world away.

So I make a trip to the butchers a couple of times a week and its great.Big bits of what are still recognizably animal that are expertly butchered for you as you wish, Nothing is too much trouble and he happily indulges my foibles while telling me jokes. They have moved with the times and make things like moroccan meatballs (really good) and their own sausages as well as selling set price 'weekend' and 'midweek' packs that let you budget.

He knows where all the meat comes from, local farmers on the whole and all free range. They sell a lot more than meat too, slowly stealing more and more of my budget away from the supermarkets (though he doesn't sell gin and chocolate so they will always get some) and supporting more local small businesses: cheese, bread, pies, curry sauces, pickles and chutneys... Oh and frozen fish.

I like knowing a chunk of my albeit small budget goes to local family businesses, I like knowing what I am eating and I like good tasty food. I also like that food sold to me with a cheeky joke and some cooking advice!