no more civil war

By civil war I mean fighting my body. There are things I'm actually ok with but still feel the need to stress about and things that aren't gonna change that would be easier if I didn't fight them. My eating has stopped being a battle ground, I eat mainly paleo and my body seems happy with it. Admittedly with a bit* more chocolate and a bit* more gin than cavemen ate but it feels right and my body agrees.

But there are areas I'm fighting and it's not helping, my body is what it is, a bit more broken and a bit plumper than I'd like but it gets me around, looks good in a dress and lets me have fun. I feel I am wasting precious mental, physical, emotional and most importantly creative energy fighting with it. And how can I win? I can't defeat myself! It actually reminds me of my brother having fights with himself and throwing himself round the room - he was a strange child.

Too Darn Hot
I am too hot. Nearly all the time. Having learnt that this is a not uncommon symptom of MS I have stopped worrying about it. I need to stop dressing for the British weather and being so worried about getting cold though! The amount of times I get all bundled up and then feel terrible and faint and wobbly in shops and things is huge.

Baked Bean Bladder
I think my bladder is approximately the size of a baked bean. i spend a lot of time on the loo. That's where I come up with some of my best ideas, I ought to take my chromebook in with me really. This is not helped by MS damaging my bladders communication with my brain. When it comes to need to pee I do from 0 (I'm fine) to 60 (get out of my way!) in about 3.6 seconds. I convince myself I am fine and I don't need to go everytime I see a toilet and then am inevitably desperate a couple of minutes later. My mantra should be see a loo - pee in it. Oh and not helped by my trigger trio includes being dehydrated as well as being hot and tired.

The Family Hips
They seem to be a regressive gene thing though - not everyone gets them, like ginger hair or something. My cousin and me most definitely do, which is probably why DD's don't look big on us. When I was a size eight I had huge "child bearing#" hips, it's not a fat thing, its a bone thing. Sadly there isn't a bone shrinking diet and you know what they're mine and I'm OK with them. As @lilypotkin would say the number of fucks I give about what you think about my hips is zero.

Being Messy
I don't know if this really belongs in a post about my body but messiness feels pretty engrained. My dad's very messy, it's probably genetic. I am a slut my mum tells me, in the slattern/slovenly sense of the word. You know it's bad when your boyfriends come round and complain. Or a friend hoovers when she comes round.

Yawn
Yeah, I get tired a fucking lot. Mainly MS related but I don't think caring 24/7 helps. Occasionally it may be gin related ;-). I need to give into it more - fighting it only ends up with me falling over. In short I need to not feel bad about naps and early nights!

Blurry World
I've worn glasses since I was about twelve I think, and I'm cool with them - I'm not one of those women that doesn't feel attractive in glasses. Boys that don't make passes at girls who wear glasses? Zero fucks given, we were probably not suited anyhows. Plus my glasses are Missoni, we're not talking NHS shit here. But thanks to MS I have focussing issues and shadows when I get hot or tired. Yeah thanks, that helps! 

Falling Over
This has had it's own post so I'm not sure what more I can say! basically my arse and the floor have had a lengthy love hate relationship! It kicks back to the hot and tired thing again - I have (eventually) given up heels and tell myself I am rocking an Audrey Hepburn look. I don't spend any less money on shoes by the way!

Muffin Top
Not sure muffin top really describes the mass of blancmange that is my tummy but after years and years of stress I'm good with it. It's only been flat (actually concave for a bit but too much clubbing does that to a girl) when I've been so skinny that no other bit of me looked right. We all have a place where our fat goes and that's mine. If you don't like me having a podgy tummy then .. you can guess.

Pubic Hair
This will come as a shock to some men, especially younger ones but women have pubic hair. You know, hair covering their nether regions. I have waxed and creamed and epilated and shaved and sugared and do you know what? I've had enough. What exactly is wrong with pubic hair anyway? I keep trim and tidy but that's it from now on. Currently I am the only person who sees it anyway but even if by some miracle it looks like someone else will I'm not gonna change things. Love me, love my bush.

To summarise I am curvy and broken but I wouldn't want to be skinny again, I didn't feel sexy and coz I am tall I just looked like a stick. I'm not going to be one of those people that say that their illness has made them a better person and they wouldn't get rid of it coz I don't think it has and I would in a heartbeat. I don't doubt that I know myself and my body better because of it but I'd happily swap ignorance for health! 


*lot
#because apparently a womans hips aren't used for anything else. Personally I find them quite useful for walking and stuff.