On being a writer

Or trying to be. Am I only a writer when I'm published?

I think I always wanted to be but it wasn't such a conscious decision, there are words & they want to be written; its not really my decision to put them on the page. They have a meaning & will of their own and I just make them into patterns on the page. They are like pieces of coloured glass, I do not make them simply lay them out as a mosaic. Like Romans though I'm guessing other people did it. Do it. Whatever you get the metaphor (hopefully).

Am I any good? I don't know. Once at least some of my book is finished I may blog excerpts so you can see. I don't really write with anyone reading it in mind, it just needs to come out sometimes. I don't really have a creative process it's just stuff I think about that likes other stuff I think about. The degree course I dropped out for discussed the creative process, We had a whole semester looking at Image and Imagination. Lots of looking at slides. I think we had an assignment where we had to sit in the dark and write about how it made us feel, There are obviously some practical problems with that. We also spent a whole class drawing each others shoes. This may have been the point when I decided to drop out. I went and worked in a hotel and got far drunker and had far more sex - which lets face is the main point of uni. But that's a whole other blog post. 

But anyway, back to the writing. The novel I'm writing is about a female serial killer, it all started with a fantasy I used to have about drowning my ex in the bath. I may have unexplored issues. I'm not telling you who, but things were actually ok at the time which makes it weirder I guess. I think me writing may be a good thing whether I'm any good or not - it's a safer way for the crazy to come out.

2013 - the start of another chapter

So as everyone who follows me on twitter knows I had a really shitty 2012 and was the lowest I've ever been. I was and am very determined I would and will make 2013 a better year, through sheer force of will if necessary. Some things aren't gonna change in the near future; I'm still going to be a 24/7 carer, still going to unemployed and living off benefits and still going to be isolated. However I can make little changes. My resolutions this year are to take better care of myself and give myself a little treat everyday. I suspect most of these treats will be either chocolate or alcohol based. I also want to finish my book but I want that to be a pleasure or not a chore with a deadline so I am leaving that open. 

bruised knees

Anyway so far 2013 has been much better than 2012 (I even managed to fall over and bash my knees nye ) - I spent new years eve with my bff, her hubby and their kiddies and started 2013 with just a mild hangover ... at 6.30am with kiddy no1's first 2013 viewing of fireman sam. He really loves fireman sam, to an almost unhealthy extreme. I am predicting he will either become;

• a fireman
• an arsonist
• a gay man who has a thing about uniforms

The jury is out on which.

The hubby cooked dinner (he is an ace cook) and we had a mexican feast, ate chocolate and drank wine & cava. It was how nye should be in my mind; in your pj's, on the sofa with good food drink and company. Coz my friend is the best bff in the world (and her husband knows which side his bread is buttered) they drove me home on new years day and we all went for lunch before I returned to my role as carer. Her kids are really lovely and the only ones I enjoy rather than endure. 

the chromebook - I'm very much in love 

So I got home and my new chromebook had arrived (bought with christmas money and on which I am writing this new post and a hat I got in the sale.I did the pills and cooking thing and went to bed ... very pleased to note that my mums gf had very kindly made up my bed ready for me. 

The second - today - was all about a shopping trip with my cousin (cwtt if you know me on twitter). We have a pattern to these if we are staying local, so much so it is pretty sad. A successful trip and a great gossipy lunch. A good day. 

cwtt

a bucket of prawns (lunch)

So far I am chalking 2013 up as a win, though admittedly it's a little early to tell.  I am starting it with loads of chocolate and lots of booze so I will be following my ethos!