Human Contact

"lonelee I am so lonelee, and i do not knoooow the words to this soooooong"

I probably could have googled that but 'well researched' is not really something you'd say about my blog. I suspect you also wouldn't say 'clever' 'witty' or 'widely read'.

As you already know I am caring for my dad who has dementia so I don't get out much. To look after him I moved back to my childhood town, where I had just one friend left. It is one of the poorest cities in England, most people move away as soon as they have the opportunity (as I did!). The one friend has two kids, one of them since I've been back, which makes her as inflexible as I am. 

I have never had any trouble making new friends; I'll chat to anyone and have a freakish amount of self confidence. However it turns out it's quite difficult to make friends when you don't meet any people. With no work or classes its hard to get chatting, I can't really grab people in the street and say "will you be my friend?". Many friends said they'd come visit me, most haven't .... they have lives and boyfriends and jobs and things. I (vaguely) remember what that's like. My BFF has, of course - she is the bestest BFF ever and has organised a fabulous treat for my birthday. One other friend has visited but he was a friend / bf crossover.. 

To illustrate, the people I have spoken to ..

Today:        My parents

Yesterday:   My dad and the butcher (who always has a joke at least. "in the     

                 wake of the horsemeat scandal B&Q have had to withdraw their 

                 flooring coz it had laminate (lamb-in-it)

Day Before: My dad, the lady in the post office and the lady in the veg shop.

And Before: My dad, a nurse and the taxi driver.

You get the idea.

Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly if you know the disastrous tale that is my love life) I am not bothered about not having a boyfriend. I'd rather have a puppy for cuddles and I can sort myself out for, you know. Its my birthday next week if anyone wants to buy me a puppy. I miss friends, drinking buddies, weekend lunches, trips to nandos and the cinema on a Wed, wine on the sofa with my bestie. 

However I really don't know how I'd be surviving on the laughable benefits you get for caring if I actually had a social life, the only reason I get to occasionally buy something on eBay (which doesn't get worn anyway coz I never go anywhere) is because I rarely leave the house!

To summarise: buy me a puppy or take me for a drink!

Chizza

So pizza is a nice thing but it's not paleo.  I've seen loads of recipes for meatza but they are big slabs of meatloaf with a few toppings - nothing like the pizza I used to have. Having discovered that my system doesn't go mental when I have a small amount of hard cheese I was very keen to have some thing to sprinkle it on. I came up with the idea of using a flattened chicken breast* as the base. The butcher butterflied and smacked the hell out of the chicken breast for me and I laid out in the baking tray then spread it with harissa - I would have used tomato paste but I didn't have any!  I topped it with sliced mushrooms and halved baby plum tomatoes and a grating of Cheddar. It looked more like a rustic thin crust pizza or flatbread pizza than meatloaf so I was happy. I cooked it for 20 mins at 200c, it's cut in half coz I wanted to check the chicken was done. Very tasty and the chicken doesn't overwhelm the toppings

*I'm sure someone else has but I thought of it on my own.

Timber! (on falling over)

I fall over A LOT. So much I don't even tweet most of them and I tweet everything. I wait for noteworthy ones; impressive injuries. a funny story or some major destruction. I have always been clumsy; as a child my legs were a traffic light of bruises and mum was constantly concerned that social services would investigate! However I think it has got worse thanks to the MS gremlins - my balance is shot and I've had to give up heels, I'm just too wobbly!  I don't swoon like a lady I obviously am, I fall like a great tree felling everything in my path. Usually on to my knees which are bruised 90 percent of the time I reckon. It's a pity is not onto my arse coz I have padding there and quite a lot too.

Notable falls in recent times include (It's OK if you laugh, they're funny);

• Falling over whilst walking in front of the stand at rugby and being caught by a fan with excellent reflexes.
• Falling off my then boyfriend while we switch positions and cracking my cheekbone on the corner of the bedside table resulting in four hours waiting at A&E the next day and a cracking black eye that I had to make up explanations for.
• Falling over and grazing my foot outside a job centre and giving myself an infection that was nearly blood poisoning apparently meaning I was on antibiotics for my BFF's hen and couldn't laze in the jacuzzi at the spa.
• Falling onto my knees and somehow tangling my heel in my cardigan effectively meaning I have hog tied my self and having a guy pull over in his car and pick me up. And then having to walk to the station with bleeding knees. And then getting followed round the station by some management person who obviously saw me as a threat to her perfect health and safety record.
• Falling over in my bedroom and landing on a half open drawer and breaking it and its fixings. 

I am a disaster area. There should be a safety cordon around me. Or a circle of handsome men poised to catch me. Definitely not glass. Or stairs, I don't like stairs; I think the reasons are fairly obvious.

Why I don't get anything done

I have a lot of blog ideas and half started posts. I have a lot of ideas and half started projects full stop. I have ideas way more often than i complete something. At the moment I am getting fuck all done. There are many reasons for this:

1. Caring for someone with dementia  takes up a lot of time. And a lot of patience but that is a different post.
2. I sleep a lot. Sometimes in the middle of doing something. Which is a little inconvenient.
3. I spend a lot of time on my arse:
• because I am inherently lazy
• because i fall over A LOT (more on that in another post soon)
4. My thought process is all tangents and shattered shards of ideas. This is not conducive to completing projects.
5. I have next to no motivation. If you could buy it in bottles my life would be changed.
6. I start a new project before finishing the previous one. Or previous five. Once I've got a few on the go the likelihood of me focusing on and completing anyof them are next to none.

I am certainly not a completer-finisher. I suspect I will continue to bumble through life leaving sparkling sequin ideas scattered behind me, to be collected and completed by industrious pixies. A time table might be good. Except that will be something else I start and don't finish. And then I'll just feel bad coz I haven't done it. 

On being a writer

Or trying to be. Am I only a writer when I'm published?

I think I always wanted to be but it wasn't such a conscious decision, there are words & they want to be written; its not really my decision to put them on the page. They have a meaning & will of their own and I just make them into patterns on the page. They are like pieces of coloured glass, I do not make them simply lay them out as a mosaic. Like Romans though I'm guessing other people did it. Do it. Whatever you get the metaphor (hopefully).

Am I any good? I don't know. Once at least some of my book is finished I may blog excerpts so you can see. I don't really write with anyone reading it in mind, it just needs to come out sometimes. I don't really have a creative process it's just stuff I think about that likes other stuff I think about. The degree course I dropped out for discussed the creative process, We had a whole semester looking at Image and Imagination. Lots of looking at slides. I think we had an assignment where we had to sit in the dark and write about how it made us feel, There are obviously some practical problems with that. We also spent a whole class drawing each others shoes. This may have been the point when I decided to drop out. I went and worked in a hotel and got far drunker and had far more sex - which lets face is the main point of uni. But that's a whole other blog post. 

But anyway, back to the writing. The novel I'm writing is about a female serial killer, it all started with a fantasy I used to have about drowning my ex in the bath. I may have unexplored issues. I'm not telling you who, but things were actually ok at the time which makes it weirder I guess. I think me writing may be a good thing whether I'm any good or not - it's a safer way for the crazy to come out.

2013 - the start of another chapter

So as everyone who follows me on twitter knows I had a really shitty 2012 and was the lowest I've ever been. I was and am very determined I would and will make 2013 a better year, through sheer force of will if necessary. Some things aren't gonna change in the near future; I'm still going to be a 24/7 carer, still going to unemployed and living off benefits and still going to be isolated. However I can make little changes. My resolutions this year are to take better care of myself and give myself a little treat everyday. I suspect most of these treats will be either chocolate or alcohol based. I also want to finish my book but I want that to be a pleasure or not a chore with a deadline so I am leaving that open. 

bruised knees

Anyway so far 2013 has been much better than 2012 (I even managed to fall over and bash my knees nye ) - I spent new years eve with my bff, her hubby and their kiddies and started 2013 with just a mild hangover ... at 6.30am with kiddy no1's first 2013 viewing of fireman sam. He really loves fireman sam, to an almost unhealthy extreme. I am predicting he will either become;

• a fireman
• an arsonist
• a gay man who has a thing about uniforms

The jury is out on which.

The hubby cooked dinner (he is an ace cook) and we had a mexican feast, ate chocolate and drank wine & cava. It was how nye should be in my mind; in your pj's, on the sofa with good food drink and company. Coz my friend is the best bff in the world (and her husband knows which side his bread is buttered) they drove me home on new years day and we all went for lunch before I returned to my role as carer. Her kids are really lovely and the only ones I enjoy rather than endure. 

the chromebook - I'm very much in love 

So I got home and my new chromebook had arrived (bought with christmas money and on which I am writing this new post and a hat I got in the sale.I did the pills and cooking thing and went to bed ... very pleased to note that my mums gf had very kindly made up my bed ready for me. 

The second - today - was all about a shopping trip with my cousin (cwtt if you know me on twitter). We have a pattern to these if we are staying local, so much so it is pretty sad. A successful trip and a great gossipy lunch. A good day. 

cwtt

a bucket of prawns (lunch)

So far I am chalking 2013 up as a win, though admittedly it's a little early to tell.  I am starting it with loads of chocolate and lots of booze so I will be following my ethos!

Starting the day the right way

If there is a better (pg) way to start the day than a Booja Booja truffle I haven't found it. The soft yielding texture, the silkiness on your tongue, the intense chocolate hit... Around Midnight Expresso this morning for a double intense flavour hit.

I should mention here I am not totally ruining my paleo eating! They are dairy free, gluten free and organic. And awesome.

For some reason I don't like coffee but I do love these ... Weird. But not. Coz I bet there's not a coffee on the planet that's better than Booja Booja truffles.